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RoundCustard: THE WORM'S GARDEN

RoundCustard: THE WORM'S GARDEN

RoundCustard: THE TABLOID JOURNALIST'S GARDEN

RoundCustard: THE TABLOID JOURNALIST'S GARDEN

THE GARDEN OF RECEIVED ARTISTIC WISDOM

My garden concept
Is what I call
Juxtapositive

The task you have
Is to accept my
Innovatiousnicity

We all have a duty
To understand the need for
Superficialism

We have to walk the path
Of ever diminishing circles
Self-believingly

When you visit my garden
You will feel
Emptiality

I however know
That I have achieved
Banalitiation

Your Summer of discontent
Will be followed by my Winter of
Inconsequenciability

The flowers that blossom
Will convince you of my
Necessinevitabilitiness

THE GNOME'S GARDEN

Centuries of opprobrium
Had taken their toll.
Vilification and sarcasm
Had eaten my soul.

Exhausted
I sought a tranquil place
Where poking faces
Toothy sneers
And raucous laughter
Faded into distant memory.

And here I have it.
My new garden
Is a haven
Where leaves and petals
Grow wild and eccentric

No lawnmower, dog or boy
To cause me fear

Only the early birds
The midday basking cats
And familiars of the night
Sing and purr and snuffle
And keep our secrets.

THE SCREENWRITER'S GARDEN

Grid of gardens
From far above
Fade to close-up
Hint of a movement
Sweating man
Fear, Panic, Frozen
Behind a hedge.

'They' are closing in
No way out
Birds sing
Water trickles
Wind rustles leaves
Distant laughter of children

A shot
A slump
A body has fallen
Staring eyes
All fear gone
Just blood
Seeping into the lawn.

THE HEALTH AND SAFETY OFFICER'S GARDEN

Specification for the landscape architect:

No sharp leaved plants
No plants with roots which run on or above the soil surface
No plants which may stain clothing
No plants from which drugs may be obtained
No plants which may cause hay fever
No plants which are poisonous
No water features which could endanger life
No wooden furniture which could splinter
No features involving fire
No pathways which can turn slippery or otherwise cause tripping
No creatures which could bite, sting or spread disease
No soil treatment involving animal excrement
No construction that could be bumped into
No overhanging natural growth that could cause eye injuries

We feel sure that if proper attention
Is paid to these sensible precautions
A garden can be developed
Which will bring appropriate responses from visitors